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grayhairedblonde
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Name: Kim
Country: United States
State: Arkansas
Metro: Conway
Gender: Female
Interests: work, work, work
Expertise: graphic design
Occupation: designer and coordinator for S
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
4/26/2005
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| What would happen if we got everything we wanted? I am pretty sure it would be a disaster. I think there would be crashes in the universe when what we wanted came flying directly into what we wanted. Maybe it is just a melodramatic mood but it seems to me that when we desire one thing it is often counteracted by a totally opposite desire, related not only in it's opposition but in its root desire.
I suppose I am only writing this for myself but it is a truth in my life. As much as I am disappointed that I can't have what I want on one hand I am totally relieved that what I want on another hand is not going to happen. This is my salvation from myself and the curse of myself. Although if I were really honest with myself, which I cannot afford to be, I want the latter and all it's pieces as much or more than I want the former.
This makes me wonder, is it desire for one thing that blocks the realization of the other?
I don't think so.
But the funny thing is, both are out of my control. | | |
| How strange to find myself on xanga for the first time in a year and a half. I had pretty much stopped posting before we lost Matt two years ago today and in fact only posted once after he died. So it was strange when I logged on tonight to look for a friend's vacation story, only to be reminded that today is the anniversary of Matt's death. I am glad that I can finally think about him without being overcome with grief. I am still sad to think of losing Matt but time has made the loss so much easier to deal with. When I think of Matt now, I remember the good times more than the pain of losing him. Grief is so strange.
I suppose the lesson I have learned is to be patient with myself during times of pain. Giving myself the freedom to mourn and heal is the best medicine I have found. No one will ever replace Matt but I have moved on and have found that life does go on. I still miss that warm smile, the wit, and the friendship but I know to honor Matt's memory means that I have to honor life as he would have lived it - every day to the fullest. | | |
| As 2006 draws to a close I have to admit I am glad. I am the person who always says, there are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, good months and bad months and yes - good years and bad years. 2006 has been, for our family, a very bad year. There has been loss on many different levels and this has created pain that is layers thick. Ringing in the new year will be a true celebration for our family this year as we look to the future and try to regain some of the hope that we lost in this season of pain. My hope is to be stronger, healthier, more diligent, less lazy, more hopeful, more positive and just overall the better me that I have lost sight of over the last six months. Six months ago when we lost Matt, our precious friend, I put a Saint Matthew medal around my neck to remind me of my friend. Today my husband gave me a new necklace, a daimond "Journey" necklace and it has replaced Matt's pendant for now. I think it is fitting. I love Matt still and that will never change but knowing Matt, loving Matt and losing Matt are all a part of a lifelong journey and it is time to put the losses of this year into perspective and move forward. If you have had a difficult year, a series of losses or even a single failure, I can honestly say, after six months of hell, hang in there. Even the most hopeless of times are only here for a season, there is always hope of a better tomorrow. We may not get back what we lost and the scars will never completely be gone but we can always go forward with strength and grace. | | |
| June 17, 2006 - We have suffered a terrible loss tonight...the world is less than it was because of this. To Matt, my precious friend, a beloved brother in Christ, I type these words by Alfred Edward Housman.
To An Athlete Dying Young
The time you won your town the race
We chaired you through the market-place;
Man and boy stood cheering by,
And home we brought you shoulder-high.
Today, the road all runners come,
Shoulder-high we bring you home,
And set you at your threshold down,
Townsman of a stiller town.
Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than the rose.
Eyes the shady night has shut
Cannot see the record cut,
And silence sounds no worse than cheers
After earth has stopped the ears;
Now you will not swell the route
Of lads that wore their honours out,
Runners whom renown outran
And the name died before the man.
So set, before its echoes fade,
The fleet foot on the sill of shade,
And hold to the low lintel up
the still-defended challange cup.
And round that early-laurelled head
Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead,
And find unwithered on its curls
The garland briefer than a girl's.
I can't even begin to understand the depth of the grief we all will feel today and in the days to come. To lose a friend is difficult but to lose Matt is beyond so.
How long has it been, Matt, since you sat at my table and fellowshipped with my family....too long. And how long until we sit together again...too long Matt...too long. God help us - for Heaven's gain is truly our loss. | | |
| Arizona:
For my adoring blog fans (which ncludes a couple of children a husband and a dog - no scratch that...lol...the dog don't blog)
Arizona was spectacular! Even though the weather wasnt warm Sunday or Monday the heated pool was great and just getting to chill was too. Shopping was oh so good and I think I was pretty practical. The whole landscape of Phoenix is different and hard to comprehend if you haven't seen it. Even though I have been there before it is still such a wonderful surprise to see the cactus and palm trees and all the rocks and blooming things. It was inspiring. I met some wonderful people as well as some duds but all in all it was great! | | |
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